Beethoven's 10th Symphony: A Tribute to Idiot Teenagers and Their Cars

Ah, the sweet, sweet sound of teenage freedom. Is there any music more delightful to the ear than the deafening roar of an over-modified car exhaust? I think not. Forget Mozart, Beethoven, and all those other classical composers; the true maestros are the teenagers who've decided that their cars should be heard, not just seen.

Now, I must say, it takes a certain level of genius to transform an average automobile into an ear-piercing, ground-shaking monstrosity. The dedication to this noble pursuit is nothing short of inspiring. After all, what better way to demonstrate one's maturity and sophistication than by announcing one's presence with a sound akin to a T-Rex with irritable bowel syndrome?

The secret to achieving this auditory masterpiece, of course, lies in the exhaust system. You see, standard exhausts are so passé. They have this annoying habit of reducing noise and harmful emissions, and let's be honest, who wants to save the environment when you can have your car sound like a dying walrus instead?

So, to all the aspiring car modifiers out there, let's take a moment to appreciate the simple steps you can take to annoy everyone within a 5-mile radius:

1. Straight pipe it: Just remove the catalytic converter and muffler. Who needs to breathe clean air anyway? With your newfound freedom from these pesky restrictions, your engine can roar with the intensity of a SpaceX Falcon Heavy launch.

2. The bigger, the better: Just like Elon Musk's dreams of colonizing Mars, think big when it comes to exhaust tips. The larger the exhaust tip, the more likely you are to establish dominance over your fellow drivers. After all, it's common knowledge that the size of one's exhaust tip is directly proportional to one's status in society.

3. Embrace the decibels: If your neighbors aren't complaining, you're not trying hard enough. Your goal should be to create a noise level that rivals a jet engine. Remember, a true connoisseur of automotive cacophony understands that subtlety is for the weak.

Now, I'm not saying that these deafening exhausts don't have their benefits. For instance, they provide excellent early warning systems for pedestrians, who will no doubt be grateful for the heads up that they are about to be enveloped in a cloud of noxious fumes. Plus, these sonic booms on wheels have been known to scare off wild animals, thus saving countless suburban gardens from the devastation of hungry deer and raccoons.

So, let's raise a glass (or perhaps a set of earplugs) in honor of those idiot teenagers and their gloriously obnoxious cars. May their engines continue to serenade us with the dulcet tones of an alien invasion, and may their exhausts serve as a constant reminder that when it comes to making a statement, silence is definitely not golden.

How to Whine Your Way Out of a Job: A Tale of Entitlement and Social Media Melodrama

Ah, the melodrama of modern workplace woes. Recently, I stumbled upon a TikTok post, complete with a tear-jerking video, featuring a young ex-CloudFlare employee. Picture this: she's been axed after a mere three months, and she's lamenting her fate like it's a Shakespearean tragedy. No performance feedback, just a cold goodbye. Clearly, CloudFlare's HR team must've been binge-watching 'Up in the Air' and thought, "'Hey, why not make this our HR policy?'" But, oh dear, they forgot the script!

Here's the harsh truth: You're not the monarch of your workplace. In the real world, unicorns don’t handle HR and your job is not a birthright. It's a business transaction. You're not a delicate snowflake; you're a cog in the capitalist machine. If the machine spits you out, suck it up and move on.

Yes Cloudflare screwed the pooch on how they handled this one, but do yourself a favor and, drop the narcissism and stop acting like the universe owes you a career. And if you don't like how you're being treated, here's a novel idea: quit. But no, that's too straightforward for this generation. Instead, let's broadcast our workplace sob stories on social media, fishing for sympathy and likes. Let's moan about being exploited, mistreated, and how our delicate sensibilities can't handle the 'hardships' of a 9-to-5.

Just today, I saw the ex-employee recently posted her response to her viral video. It's truly a treat to parse through the trough of self-pity. In part it stated, "The last few days have been a roller coaster and I have been sent more messages and DMs this week than I have probably ever in my life." [Ah, the humblebrag about newfound internet fame. Nothing screams 'I've made it!' like an inbox flooded with sympathy DMs.] "The most incredible outpouring of support has honestly restored my faith in the corporate world." [Because nothing says 'faith in the corporate world' like being fired and then running to social media to rally a digital pitchfork mob.] "However, the most common message I’m receiving is how many people have experienced something shockingly similar." [Shockingly similar? In the corporate world? You don't say! Welcome to the club of 'Businesses Making Business Decisions.'] "Cold, unexplainable firing by people they’ve never met - even after years of loyalty for some.” [Here's a newsflash: loyalty in business is as common as a unicorn. It's a hard pill to swallow, but companies are not your family; they're profit-driven machines.] “All people saying they wish they would have stood up for themselves as I did.” [Standing up for yourself by airing your grievances online? The digital age's version of 'bravery,' ladies and gentlemen.] “Heartbreaking stories of people’s lives suddenly changing with no explanation and just told to “deal with it”. What??? I’ll never be able to wrap my mind around it. We as employees are expected to give 2 weeks notice and yet we don’t deserve even a sliver of respect when the roles are reversed?” [Here's a thought: Maybe, just maybe, the business world isn't a kindergarten where everyone gets a gold star for participation].

I wish I could say that this is just a whiny one-off but I recently had the displeasure of seeing this at my work. A soon-to-be-ex colleague was parading around, chest puffed out, declaring his grand rejection of the corporate 'grind.' Bravo, sir, but let's not point fingers at the company for your allergic reaction to ambition. It's not them, it's you. This naive notion that corporations are in the business of fostering a Utopian work/life balance is laughably misguided. If you really believe that, you should probably move back to your mom's basement (assuming you've left). Companies prioritize profit, not your personal Zen. Welcome to the real world!

But alas, entitlement is the new black. "The company must bend to my will," they proclaim. "I'll set my own terms, and if they don't agree, I'll shame them online." Because, obviously, social media validation is the pinnacle of success.

To all the entitled whiners out there: if you can't stand the heat, start your own kitchen. But expecting the corporate world to revolve around your whims? That's a joke. Don't want to grind? Try France. They love a good strike. In the meantime, spare us your righteous indignation. The world's smallest violin is playing just for you.